keeping it real

August is all about surviving.  I have to say I am so thankful that so far the weather is lovely so I am at least not battling the heat.  It is such a blessing that Calvin only has a 5 week summer break.  He does so much better with school as part of his day and I do so much better when he is gone for a big portion of the day. Why? Calvin breaks things. He tore up two library books this week. He hits things and people. He is like a crazy dictator.  The girls probably don't think it is that bad because I give up on chores and getting things done and just stick them in Dave's office and let them watch netflix so that they won't set off Calvin.   Clare missed 2 days of piano last week b/c Calvin wouldn't let her practice.   Some days I try to go out and do things b/c a lot of time s little fresh air and change of scenery helps us all out.  But, on the other hand, when things go south and I am out, it is horrible and I am completely stuck. So for the most part we do not go anywhere or do anything.  If I do go out, I know I will have to buy whatever Calvin wants or else he will either fall apart or start screaming profanity. It is expensive.

Yesterday Clare had piano lessons. It was a nice day so the windows were all open. I sat in the driveway with Lex, Calvin and Jo. Lex brought a couple of games to play (that's what we usually do while Clare is in lessons) and Calvin really wanted to play her game. She didn't want to have him play her game.  He had his own game and we had played a round of his game first. Anyway, it led to lots of screaming the F word and him hitting lex. When Clare walked out of her lesson she said, "why was Calvin screaming the f word?" "Why was Lexey crying?"  I am so thankful that for all but 4 of Clare's lessons, Calvin is at school so he doesn't have to sit there with me.

We recently read the story in 3 Nephi where Christ visits the Nephites and heals all of the sick. Clare said, "if we were there I would have taken Jo (who had a cold) " I said, "if I was there I would take Calvin to him." and Clare replied, "oh, because of his brain."   It was interesting that Clare understood why I said that, but I also hope the know every day that Calvin is the way he is because of illness and that it is not normal and not okay for anyone to act like that normally.  I have told the kids that Calvin has a spot in his brain that is damaged and that is why he gets so angry and has some problems. I think they sort of understand but it probably won't be 'til they are adults that the fully comprehend the situation. For them now, it is completely normal because whatever you grow up with you think is normal. Eventually they will look around and see that it is not normal. hopefully they are strong enough and wonderful enough to not be bitter about the situation and to have extra kindness and compassion instead. Dave said he had a companion on his mission who had a sweet down syndrome sibling and was super bitter about it and completely hated the kid. I have worried that the girls would be bitter about Calvin but I guess it isn't so much the situation as much as it is the heart that determines how one feels about things.

Jo, my 2 year old said, "F" this week.  Calvin said, "what the..." and Jo filled in with "f". (and I don't mean the letter f. I mean the 4 letter word that starts with f)

The swearing has been pretty bad lately. When I was at the psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago he was asking how things are going in many aspects of life.  I mentioned the swearing is pretty bad these days and he said, "you've just got to ignore it."  I realize that swearing does not hurt anyone or anything. Obviously if I had to pick between him hitting, breaking and swearing, the swearing is the one that really is the least serious but it so bothers me.  If I didn't have other young kids at home it would be easier to ignore. And if he didn't yell bad words in public it would be easier to ignore. It is embarrassing.  And Calvin knows it is one of my buttons and he loves to push it.

For a few months we had a rule if he didn't swear all day he would get 30 minutes of screen time before bed. I'm not sure why that stopped working.

The girls go back to school in less than 2 weeks. Once they are back things are a little easier with just Calvin and Jo at home. Calvin is very sweet with Jo and they are about at the same pace.  Both need lots of home time and snacks to keep afloat.  The other girls have so much energy they get bored and bounce off the walls and tease and really could use more to do than we are generally up to.

Just documenting b/c I am told by our psychiatrist that things will get better. When they do, I hope to look back on this and say, "wow, those were tough times, I'm glad they are gone."  In saying this I have to admit that things really could be worse. I really hope that I don't look back on this one day and say, "boy I had it easy back then, why was I complaining." Heaven help me if we get to that point.