bittersweet

We have been so blessed over the last year as everything for Calvin has fallen into place to help us find the perfect school for him, the right medication and correct doctors. We are so fortunate.  That being said, I think I am still trying to wrap my head around the idea that I have a handicapped child.  I think one of the reasons it is hard to fully comprehend is because he is mildly handicapped. He has a normal IQ and serious behavior problems and coping issues. There is a possibility that he will progress enough to  function normally.  His story is not yet fully written and we don't know how things will turn out.

I guess the trick to survival is to live one day at a time and not to look forwards or backwards too much, but sometimes I can't help it.

A year ago, Calvin was still in mainstream school. I still thought he might be able to survive there. I thought he might belong there. As I look back at this I think to myself how crazy it is to think that I believed this.  It was super stressful to send him to school knowing it could be disastrous.  I remember last summer I sent him to a summer camp with the girls. I think it was for 2 hours for 3 days that week.  I was not even out of the parking lot on the first day before the camp called to tell me that they could not handle him.   It was stressful sending him places and not knowing if he would handle it.  Now I have a better idea of what would work for him and what wouldn't.  It is bittersweet.  In so many ways, it is better to face things as they really are.  To know I can't sign up my kid for summer camps, can't send him to parties or other activities without an adult, can't get a babysitter.  This is the safest way. There are no surprises and no disasters.  But it is also hard. 

Another balance that I seem to struggle with in meeting reality is in my expectations. Should I expect absolutely nothing from Calvin? No chores, no homework, etc. etc. or should I be pushing him to do better and be better. How do I push him without causing him to crumble and fall apart?

A friend of mine told me God only gives us what he knows we can handle.  I should feel flattered that God gave me a challenge that I think I can't handle. And I also fell humbled to know that there are so many people whose challenges are so much more difficult and painful and are faced with grace faith.

And while we are looking backwards I should acknowledge one more HUGE blessing in this last year of great change. Dave has been home a lot. In a career of a lot of schooling followed by a lot of work it is a miracle that he has been home to help me and to experience all of these changes with me.  He has been home more in this year than he has ever been since and probably will ever be in the future.   I am so thankful.